Disney picks up phone and calls JJ Abrams
*ring ring*, *ring ring*
JJ: Hello?
Disney: Hi JJ, got a moment to talk? Gonna make you a load of money...
JJ: Heck yes, fire away.
Disney: We're gonna make a new Start Wars movie and we'd like you to do it
JJ: Oh man, that's so cool, I've been hoping this would happen.. I got some great ideas.
Disney: Woah.. Slow down there Sparky, it's all under control...
JJ: But..what about the story?
Disney: Look, we're not going to bust a gut over this money spinner but if you'd like to add to our story, that'll be fine.
JJ: OK. So what you got so far?
Disney: Oh boy, you're gonna love this.... ready..
JJ: Yeah..shoot.....(anticipation brewing)
Disney: We remake the original!
JJ: Err...
Disney: It'll make sooo much money, and to be honest, no-one will care.
JJ: Yes, they will...
Disney: JJ, we sense some opposition to this...do you want to make a bundle or not.
JJ: Continue...
Disney: So, we add a female lead role, add a leading black character and.....wanna know the best bit?
JJ: Oh come on..I'm dying here...
Disney: We bring back the original cast which will get all the original fans drooling and we'll make a killing.
JJ: So how can we remake the original with an aged original cast?
Disney: JJ..we're disappointed. It's simple... GIVE THEM NOTHING TO DO
JJ: Brilliant !! - Love it !! - I'm In!!
Disney:
We knew it... so...here's the plan...Get a new Darth Vader.
character..some unknown actor...trouble is, these new actors want people
to see their faces so we're going to have to find a way of removing the
mask as soon as possible..
JJ: How we gonna do that? Won't it ruin the character's mystery?
Disney: Yep, probably, but who cares..it's all about the money...don't take your eye off the ball JJ.
JJ: How about it gets knocked off in a fight..
Disney: Nah... let's just have someone ask him to take it off..
JJ: Seriously?
Disney:
Yeah, why not?.. have them say something like "Can't talk to someone
hiding behind a mask" and hey presto, he'll remove it...simples.
JJ: Wow..brilliant..still think it'll spoil the character's...
Disney: JJ!!
JJ: Sorry..moving forward....the returning cast..what about them?
Disney:
Well, Carrie Fisher...she's forgotten how to act, so she's got nothing
much to do other than say a line or two to Harrison.
JJ: And Harrison ?.how did you get him on board?
Disney: Money..plain and simple...money. However..remember that drab voice over he did for Blade Runner....?
JJ: Yeah..worked well I thought.
Disney: It did, but he'd fallen out with Ridley and was in no mood to do it properly. We fear he's gonna do the same here...
JJ: Really?
Disney:
Yeah... but we don't care..it's money, money money. Anyway, he's only
in it to take the middle aged men to spend their money
JJ: What ya talkin' about?
Disney: If those that saw it 30 + years ago think the old characters are really involved, they'll go to see it...
JJ: But they'll get a shock..
Disney: Correct-a-mondo but they'll have paid by then and we're going to keep the script top secret..no leaks..nothin'.
JJ: That's sounds easy about Harrison..really that easy?
Disney: He wants to be killed off, so we're kinda annoyed about that...reduces the next movie's appeal..
JJ: Next movie?
Disney: Hell Yeah!! Do this right and we'll roll out at least another two.
JJ: Dang ! So I'll have to think of how to kill him off...do it right..make him a hero
Disney: S@D that JJ.. Get the villain to kill him off..do it quick..no mess. no fuss..
JJ: Why would the villain kill him off..why do they meet up in the first place?
Disney: Heck, we don't know..jeez, make the villain his son who hates him..better still make it Leia's AND Han's son.
JJ:
Brilliant. Gonna have to build up to that..build the bond...charater
build..how it all went wrong...creative juices flowing now.
Disney: Woah there honcho... make it simple...get Leia and Han to mumble something about it..have them suddenly meet and WHAM!
JJ: What, a double Whammy..Leia and Han both whack the guy?
Disney:
Weren't you listening ?.. Carrie can't act...let Harrison go to see him
alone and then he gets killed..we can have Carrie looking a tad sad and
then move on.
JJ: OK, you're the boss.
Disney: Exactly.... now, the tough bit... Mark.
JJ: He's a pretty major character...
Disney: Meh....
JJ: ??
Disney: Throw his name out there, make the fans believe he'll turn up any minute...
JJ:...yeah..and then...
Disney: Well, nothing really...let's have that female lead take long journey to give him back his light saber?
JJ: Why would she do that?
Disney: Who cares...
JJ: Where should he be..?
Disney: No idea...top of a cliff looking out to sea...?
JJ: What?
Disney: Look, you're either in or out, we're tired of these arguments.
JJ: Scottish cliff it is..
Disney: Just gotta figure out what he'll say.
JJ: I can do that no worries..
Disney: No time...erm... nothing. Let him say nothing and just do a 20 seconds zoom / close up. It'll be awesome.
JJ: Dang...no wonder they pay you the big bucks...
Disney: Exactly...and the best bit?
JJ: Enlighten me..
Disney: Toys ! Loads and Loads of toys...
JJ: Excellent...do I get a cut?
Disney: Now, now...don't be greedy JJ.
(Film Review found on Amazon)
