Return on Investment

Whilst engaged in my usual lunch time activity of a brisk walk to help keep the cholesterol platelets moving, I happened upon a pair of the neighbourhood youths who were taking advantage of the facilities at the local park. As the tail end of November was rapidly approaching, the grounds keeper had logically assumed that those who were interested in playing tennis would have either retired to an indoors court or perhaps a warmer climate. How wrong he was!

Now, I do like a keenly contested tennis match so I considered myself lucky to find two protagonists actively engaged so late in the season. However, as I approached the chain link fence, I began to notice a few missing items that I thought would have be critical when engaging in a competitive struggle. The grounds keeper could be excused for securing the net and uprights away from the winter weather but it was the insufficiency of racquet and ball that I found most puzzling.

Perhaps the contestants had spent almost their entire budget on the best "Chavy" bling that JB Sport could muster and only had enough left over for one racquet and no balls. Unperturbed by the obvious lack of equipment, they were totally absorbed in hurling the single racquet towards each other along the full length of the court. No effort was being made to catch the projectile and, try as I may, I couldn't quite make out the rules or scoring method but they seemed to know who was winning. Fearing an imminent thwack on the back of the head by a wayward lump of polymer frame, I decided that indifference was the best course of action so, avoiding eye contact, I pulled up my collar and scurried on by.

Lord Coe must be so happy that the lasting legacy of the 2012 Olympics is having such a positive influence upon the young sport men and women of tomorrow. If nothing else, I guess we should just be grateful that there's at least two "Numpties" that are getting more exercise than simply pressing virtual keys on a smart phone keyboard.

Bungling Baggage Buffoons

As the up and coming holiday season approaches and many of us start to think of warmer climates, I can’t seem to tear my thoughts away from the perennial sport of “Baggage Reclaim Carousel Hogging”. This preoccupation seems to be the preserve of the males in any given party who, in some kind of primitive land grab, attempt to secure the best spot next to the conveyor in order to ensure that their prized artefacts are safely restored to their rightful owners. Females on the other hand are tasked with the less strenuous supporting role of “Luggage Trolley Totty”. This leaves "Ankle Biters" to assume a free floating position where they can occupy both locations, though their final position can be critical to the overall success of the more enlightened reclaimer.

Almost before the ink has fully dried on their newly acquired passport stamp, the alpha males in the herd stride across the arrivals hall to stake claim to a prime spot as close as is humanly possible to the conveyor. Before too long a seemingly impenetrable wall of testosterone fuelled Neanderthals have surrounded the belt and are eagerly looking for signs of life from the dark and gloomy “Cave of Lost Belongings”. A simple truth seems to have evaded most of them in that, no matter how close you stand to the carousel your luggage will not emerge any faster than the “Gods of Broken Baggage” will permit.

As alluded to earlier, some of the more enlightened amongst us have now opted for a new sport. By standing back from the crowd, we get a better view of approaching baggage. We can then stalk the bag or baggage as it wends its way around serpent of sacs until a chink in the wall appears. It’s than a simple task to reach through the gap, snatch you belongings and hopefully flatten a Neanderthal’s offspring whilst reclaiming your property. Those lucky enough to “bag” multiple offspring with a single swinging suitcase can earn extra points so the choice of extraction location and wall cavity is critical to your overall score.

I had feared that this sport may be curtailed if some of the alphas wake up to the fact that, if they step back a couple of paces they will be able to see more, give more people access and reduce the risk to life & limb for their rung rats.

Who am I kidding, that’ll never happen!