Make Wise Choices People!

So... here's the thing.

I'm not in my first flush of youth and the prospect of having a 'wild night of the tiles' is considerably less appealing than a nice cup of tea and an early night. I'm sure you get the picture.

Days have reached their own natural pace and after a life spent working to put a roof over our heads, I'm pleased to say that things are a little easier now. So whilst we're a long way off the 'Forbes Rich List', we no longer have to count every penny. However it hasn't always been that way and we've done more than our fair share of scrimping and saving in order to get where we are today.... a nice home.... a reliable car.... and a small amount of disposable income. Whilst we've tried not to be burden on the state, paid our fair share into the 'pot' and never taken anything out, imagine how pleased we are to be painted as the anti Christ and the prime reason why our younger generations can't get on in life.......

Life is all about decision making. Some are naturally better at it than others but most people can do it if they live by a few simple rules.....

• If it sounds too good to be true...... It always is!
• Other than incredible luck, there's no short cut to a comfortable life. Either work hard or don't moan when there's too much month left at the end of the money.
• A work / life balance isn't constant. Work hard while your young and able so you can take it easier when your older.
• There isn't always someone else to blame because your life sucks! Sometimes the person to blame is yourself.
• If the choice is between the latest bit of tech and paying your bills. The bills always win!
• Other people have different priorities. Just because they may have a little more of one thing than you do, don't mean that they haven't gone without somewhere else. Jealousy is no reason to spit out your pacifier and cry foul.
• You can't have everything now. Somethings you need to wait until you have spare funds, so prioritise.
• Go into debt ONLY as a last resort and never on a whim.
• The easy option is invariably the wrong one.
• Don't trample over others to get to where you want to be. There's always a price to pay.

Above all..... If you remember nothing else.....

• Think before you act. Take advice if you need it but always...... 'Make Wise Choices'.

In A Galaxy Not So Far From The Original

Disney picks up phone and calls JJ Abrams

*ring ring*, *ring ring*

JJ: Hello?
Disney: Hi JJ, got a moment to talk? Gonna make you a load of money...
JJ: Heck yes, fire away.
Disney: We're gonna make a new Start Wars movie and we'd like you to do it
JJ: Oh man, that's so cool, I've been hoping this would happen.. I got some great ideas.
Disney: Woah.. Slow down there Sparky, it's all under control...
JJ: But..what about the story?
Disney: Look, we're not going to bust a gut over this money spinner but if you'd like to add to our story, that'll be fine.
JJ: OK. So what you got so far?
Disney: Oh boy, you're gonna love this.... ready..
JJ: Yeah..shoot.....(anticipation brewing)
Disney: We remake the original!
JJ: Err...
Disney: It'll make sooo much money, and to be honest, no-one will care.
JJ: Yes, they will...
Disney: JJ, we sense some opposition to this...do you want to make a bundle or not.
JJ: Continue...
Disney: So, we add a female lead role, add a leading black character and.....wanna know the best bit?
JJ: Oh come on..I'm dying here...
Disney: We bring back the original cast which will get all the original fans drooling and we'll make a killing.
JJ: So how can we remake the original with an aged original cast?
Disney: JJ..we're disappointed. It's simple... GIVE THEM NOTHING TO DO
JJ: Brilliant !! - Love it !! - I'm In!!
Disney: We knew it... so...here's the plan...Get a new Darth Vader. character..some unknown actor...trouble is, these new actors want people to see their faces so we're going to have to find a way of removing the mask as soon as possible..
JJ: How we gonna do that? Won't it ruin the character's mystery?
Disney: Yep, probably, but who cares..it's all about the money...don't take your eye off the ball JJ.
JJ: How about it gets knocked off in a fight..
Disney: Nah... let's just have someone ask him to take it off..
JJ: Seriously?
Disney: Yeah, why not?.. have them say something like "Can't talk to someone hiding behind a mask" and hey presto, he'll remove it...simples.
JJ: Wow..brilliant..still think it'll spoil the character's...
Disney: JJ!!
JJ: Sorry..moving forward....the returning cast..what about them?
Disney: Well, Carrie Fisher...she's forgotten how to act, so she's got nothing much to do other than say a line or two to Harrison.
JJ: And Harrison ?.how did you get him on board?
Disney: Money..plain and simple...money. However..remember that drab voice over he did for Blade Runner....?
JJ: Yeah..worked well I thought.
Disney: It did, but he'd fallen out with Ridley and was in no mood to do it properly. We fear he's gonna do the same here...
JJ: Really?
Disney: Yeah... but we don't care..it's money, money money. Anyway, he's only in it to take the middle aged men to spend their money
JJ: What ya talkin' about?
Disney: If those that saw it 30 + years ago think the old characters are really involved, they'll go to see it...
JJ: But they'll get a shock..
Disney: Correct-a-mondo but they'll have paid by then and we're going to keep the script top secret..no leaks..nothin'.
JJ: That's sounds easy about Harrison..really that easy?
Disney: He wants to be killed off, so we're kinda annoyed about that...reduces the next movie's appeal..
JJ: Next movie?
Disney: Hell Yeah!! Do this right and we'll roll out at least another two.
JJ: Dang ! So I'll have to think of how to kill him off...do it right..make him a hero
Disney: S@D that JJ.. Get the villain to kill him off..do it quick..no mess. no fuss..
JJ: Why would the villain kill him off..why do they meet up in the first place?
Disney: Heck, we don't know..jeez, make the villain his son who hates him..better still make it Leia's AND Han's son.
JJ: Brilliant. Gonna have to build up to that..build the bond...charater build..how it all went wrong...creative juices flowing now.
Disney: Woah there honcho... make it simple...get Leia and Han to mumble something about it..have them suddenly meet and WHAM!
JJ: What, a double Whammy..Leia and Han both whack the guy?
Disney: Weren't you listening ?.. Carrie can't act...let Harrison go to see him alone and then he gets killed..we can have Carrie looking a tad sad and then move on.
JJ: OK, you're the boss.
Disney: Exactly.... now, the tough bit... Mark.
JJ: He's a pretty major character...
Disney: Meh....
JJ: ??
Disney: Throw his name out there, make the fans believe he'll turn up any minute...
JJ:...yeah..and then...
Disney: Well, nothing really...let's have that female lead take long journey to give him back his light saber?
JJ: Why would she do that?
Disney: Who cares...
JJ: Where should he be..?
Disney: No idea...top of a cliff looking out to sea...?
JJ: What?
Disney: Look, you're either in or out, we're tired of these arguments.
JJ: Scottish cliff it is..
Disney: Just gotta figure out what he'll say.
JJ: I can do that no worries..
Disney: No time...erm... nothing. Let him say nothing and just do a 20 seconds zoom / close up. It'll be awesome.
JJ: Dang...no wonder they pay you the big bucks...
Disney: Exactly...and the best bit?
JJ: Enlighten me..
Disney: Toys ! Loads and Loads of toys...
JJ: Excellent...do I get a cut?
Disney: Now, now...don't be greedy JJ.

(Film Review found on Amazon)

Think! Before you borrow someone's phone....

Apologies in advance, but it's not possible to rant on this particular subject without plumbing the depths and lowering myself to the ever increasing number of brainless amongst us. You may think that this tale is an exception but it's my experience that this activity is becoming all too common...... I'm sorry to say!

How many times have you narrowly missed a head on collision with someone who's totally absorbed with the latest inane Tweets of a celebrity 'Z' lister or those who are urgently updating a Facebook page with their latest drunken exploits from the previous evening. I'm talking of course about the current scourge of our society..... the dreaded Smart Phone. If like me, you have observed that the "Smartness" of the phone seems to be inversely proportional to the "Smartness" of the user, read on.

As I eluded to earlier, this is where things get distasteful. During a recent visit to the Gentlemen's wash room I was unfortunate enough to observe two individuals (in the space of just a few minutes) stood at the urinals, phones in one hand and their "junk" in the other. Now I should state at this point that I'm not afflicted with O.C.D but I do think that some good general hygiene practices are preferable to wiping your latest prized tech around your exposed groin area, particularly if you intend to make a voice call with it afterwards! What could possibly be so important that these people can't wait for the short time it takes to evacuate their bladders?

Perhaps their bladders are too engorged from the previous evening drunken exploits....
Perhaps their time is so valuable that they can't possibly waste as single moment....
Perhaps there genitalia is hideously deformed and they can't bare to gaze upon it...
NO! THEY'RE BRAIN DEAD AUTOMATONS!!!

I also think that these are the individuals who would rather "walk" than "wash", leaving the rest of us with the worrying prospect of trying to leave the wash room without touching the door handle. Yet another disturbing practice that seems to be predominantly perpetuated by the management layer where I work!

This all brings to mind the insightful writings of Douglas Adams and his sub-plot story of the planetary race who wanted to get rid of what they perceived as being their 'useless third of society'. They concocted a story that their world was dying and they were all going to colonise another planet by building massive space ships, capable of carrying their entire population. In order to ensure that the 'New World' was fit to inhabit, the first ship to depart was filled with, amongst others,  Marketing Agents, Hair Dressers and Telephone Sanitisers. Problem solved, they thought. However soon after the first ship departed, the entire remaining population was wiped out by a particularly virulent disease caught from a dirty telephone.

The warning of this tale is clear to all. Before you use your colleagues phone to make a call or innocently press it to your cheek having been asked to contribute to a conversation, ask yourself this burning question.

Where has that phone been before it came to me.............?

Return on Investment

Whilst engaged in my usual lunch time activity of a brisk walk to help keep the cholesterol platelets moving, I happened upon a pair of the neighbourhood youths who were taking advantage of the facilities at the local park. As the tail end of November was rapidly approaching, the grounds keeper had logically assumed that those who were interested in playing tennis would have either retired to an indoors court or perhaps a warmer climate. How wrong he was!

Now, I do like a keenly contested tennis match so I considered myself lucky to find two protagonists actively engaged so late in the season. However, as I approached the chain link fence, I began to notice a few missing items that I thought would have be critical when engaging in a competitive struggle. The grounds keeper could be excused for securing the net and uprights away from the winter weather but it was the insufficiency of racquet and ball that I found most puzzling.

Perhaps the contestants had spent almost their entire budget on the best "Chavy" bling that JB Sport could muster and only had enough left over for one racquet and no balls. Unperturbed by the obvious lack of equipment, they were totally absorbed in hurling the single racquet towards each other along the full length of the court. No effort was being made to catch the projectile and, try as I may, I couldn't quite make out the rules or scoring method but they seemed to know who was winning. Fearing an imminent thwack on the back of the head by a wayward lump of polymer frame, I decided that indifference was the best course of action so, avoiding eye contact, I pulled up my collar and scurried on by.

Lord Coe must be so happy that the lasting legacy of the 2012 Olympics is having such a positive influence upon the young sport men and women of tomorrow. If nothing else, I guess we should just be grateful that there's at least two "Numpties" that are getting more exercise than simply pressing virtual keys on a smart phone keyboard.

Bungling Baggage Buffoons

As the up and coming holiday season approaches and many of us start to think of warmer climates, I can’t seem to tear my thoughts away from the perennial sport of “Baggage Reclaim Carousel Hogging”. This preoccupation seems to be the preserve of the males in any given party who, in some kind of primitive land grab, attempt to secure the best spot next to the conveyor in order to ensure that their prized artefacts are safely restored to their rightful owners. Females on the other hand are tasked with the less strenuous supporting role of “Luggage Trolley Totty”. This leaves "Ankle Biters" to assume a free floating position where they can occupy both locations, though their final position can be critical to the overall success of the more enlightened reclaimer.

Almost before the ink has fully dried on their newly acquired passport stamp, the alpha males in the herd stride across the arrivals hall to stake claim to a prime spot as close as is humanly possible to the conveyor. Before too long a seemingly impenetrable wall of testosterone fuelled Neanderthals have surrounded the belt and are eagerly looking for signs of life from the dark and gloomy “Cave of Lost Belongings”. A simple truth seems to have evaded most of them in that, no matter how close you stand to the carousel your luggage will not emerge any faster than the “Gods of Broken Baggage” will permit.

As alluded to earlier, some of the more enlightened amongst us have now opted for a new sport. By standing back from the crowd, we get a better view of approaching baggage. We can then stalk the bag or baggage as it wends its way around serpent of sacs until a chink in the wall appears. It’s than a simple task to reach through the gap, snatch you belongings and hopefully flatten a Neanderthal’s offspring whilst reclaiming your property. Those lucky enough to “bag” multiple offspring with a single swinging suitcase can earn extra points so the choice of extraction location and wall cavity is critical to your overall score.

I had feared that this sport may be curtailed if some of the alphas wake up to the fact that, if they step back a couple of paces they will be able to see more, give more people access and reduce the risk to life & limb for their rung rats.

Who am I kidding, that’ll never happen!

A Time In Your Life

“There comes a time in your life,
when you walk away from all the drama
and people who create it.
You surround yourself with people
who make you laugh.
Forget the bad, and focus on the good.
Love the people who treat you right,
pray for the ones who don’t.
Life is too short to be anything but happy.
Falling down is a part of life,
getting back up is living.”

Bradley Wiggins has a lot to answer for.....

It's the God given right of every red blooded Englishman to wallow in a good health dose of cynicism. After all, what other use is there for experience, and I'm definitely at the age where experience fuelled cynicism has blossomed over the innocence of youthful exuberance.

As I recall. it was about seven years ago when London won its Olympic bid and the sudden wave of cynical emotions were of tsunami like proportions. Hot on the heels of the shamefully scandalous millennium dome, a rather expensive retrofit of the equally troubled millennium bridge and too many other hugely expensive public funded white elephants, a monumental foul up of global proportions was surely just a few short years away.

As the days ticked by and the unsightly carbuncle to the east of central London started to sprout  shiny new and unusual buildings, I began to get anxious that things were going too smoothly. Could I have misread the UK's propensity to screw up? Then, at the eleventh hour, came the G4S fiasco and the Korean flag foul up. Confidence in Britishness restored!

However, what came next was truly unexpected, both by me but I suspect by LOCOG too. Explosions of Olympic fever started to blow open the curtains of economic gloom and almost the entire country started to bask in a few short weeks of feel good sunshine. I say, "almost the entire country" as there always seems to be a few manic depressives that just couldn't resist the temptation to try and drag everyone down to reality. Morrissey, I'm sure you know who I'm talking about. Of course, we all know it's frothy media driven hype but let's not detract from efforts of the Athletes and volunteers who all performed beyond our wildest expectations. In this all too brief window, the focus of the World was on us, and for once we weren't being criticised for our thoughts, belief's or actions.

So for my part, I'm happy to bathe in the reflected glory of Team GB........... I just wasn't prepared for the seemingly enormous epidemic of middle aged, over weight males, dressed in Lycra, riding bicycles at high speed and wobbling all over the road.

Bradley Wiggins, you've got a lot to answer for!